Boiling blood never ends

It seems like everybody's getting pregnant. I'm trying to be so damn positive and think, that maybe this year will be the good one for me! All it does, it gets me down. Even if I get pregnant with the help of Clomid now, there still is a high chance of me having another miscarriage, despite of all the interventions (medicines) I most likely will have.

I've managed so well to not to think, until now, that if I wouldn't have had the first miscarriage, I would be getting used to being a mum now. The baby would've been due 21st December.

One of my mates had her second miscarriage the other day. 10 weeks. Miscarriage really is a common thing. Why don't people then talk about it? When it happened to me, both times, I felt so alone. Like I was the only one who has ever experienced it.

Too much pressure and focus is put on having a baby: First you get a career, then house, get married and finally...baby. People plan it and it the end, it's not for nobody to plan. It will happen or it will not. It's just nature. Miscarriage is just nature: something goes wrong in the process of cell division and that's it. I hope that my head would just settle for this explanation...

Still, I envy the ones...actually I've noticed that I loathe the ones, who just have sex somewhere mid cycle and they just get pregnant. Smooth sailing pregnancy but of course they moan, how much they hate being pregnant: of the sickness etc. ARRRGH! I think that just any kind of talk about other people being pregnant, makes my blood boil at the moment. I'm happy for them. I really am. I don't want their baby in the end. I want my own. I just wish I wouldn't be such a hassle.

They started

Periods started yesterday. I'm gutted. Then again, I think it's good thing, that at least I'm getting them bit more regularly. Obviously I didn't ovulate or something else didn't go as hoped this month.

So, I'm starting Clomid today. Taking it until 6th day of cycle. From day 11 starts the hard work then :)

Dreams and twinges

According to a ovulation test, I should have been ovulating sometime in the end of last week... I started to feel really irritable today and got twinges in my tummy. Waaaay to early for positive pregnancy test ( if it even will be positive this month).

I've been having dreams of me having baby. Before when I've had that kind of dreams, the baby has actually been a doll. In two previous ones, the baby really has been live one. Weirdest thing is, that my sister had a dream she was pregnant (which she wouldn't want to happen). In her dream, she knew that the baby was actually mine. Hope these dreams will come true...

Feeling P.

I feel like I'm pregnant. Tests are still negative. I hate that I'm feeling exactly like before. Breast are aching mildly, I'm feeling really bloated and I'm also having these sharp twinges in my lower tummy. It's probably nothing...gosh, how I wish it was.

When hope returns

We had our appointment to hear the result of all the tests done. Surprisingly, everything was fine. Apparently, conceiving naturally shouldn't be a problem. It probably is just PCOS, why I miscarried (and don't have regular cycle. I'm feeling quite optimistic at the moment. Just waiting for my next periods, so I can start Clomid (which should make me ovulate). Of course, there is a chance I might get pregnant before that...I wish...and I actually do wish.