Boiling blood never ends

It seems like everybody's getting pregnant. I'm trying to be so damn positive and think, that maybe this year will be the good one for me! All it does, it gets me down. Even if I get pregnant with the help of Clomid now, there still is a high chance of me having another miscarriage, despite of all the interventions (medicines) I most likely will have.

I've managed so well to not to think, until now, that if I wouldn't have had the first miscarriage, I would be getting used to being a mum now. The baby would've been due 21st December.

One of my mates had her second miscarriage the other day. 10 weeks. Miscarriage really is a common thing. Why don't people then talk about it? When it happened to me, both times, I felt so alone. Like I was the only one who has ever experienced it.

Too much pressure and focus is put on having a baby: First you get a career, then house, get married and finally...baby. People plan it and it the end, it's not for nobody to plan. It will happen or it will not. It's just nature. Miscarriage is just nature: something goes wrong in the process of cell division and that's it. I hope that my head would just settle for this explanation...

Still, I envy the ones...actually I've noticed that I loathe the ones, who just have sex somewhere mid cycle and they just get pregnant. Smooth sailing pregnancy but of course they moan, how much they hate being pregnant: of the sickness etc. ARRRGH! I think that just any kind of talk about other people being pregnant, makes my blood boil at the moment. I'm happy for them. I really am. I don't want their baby in the end. I want my own. I just wish I wouldn't be such a hassle.

They started

Periods started yesterday. I'm gutted. Then again, I think it's good thing, that at least I'm getting them bit more regularly. Obviously I didn't ovulate or something else didn't go as hoped this month.

So, I'm starting Clomid today. Taking it until 6th day of cycle. From day 11 starts the hard work then :)

Dreams and twinges

According to a ovulation test, I should have been ovulating sometime in the end of last week... I started to feel really irritable today and got twinges in my tummy. Waaaay to early for positive pregnancy test ( if it even will be positive this month).

I've been having dreams of me having baby. Before when I've had that kind of dreams, the baby has actually been a doll. In two previous ones, the baby really has been live one. Weirdest thing is, that my sister had a dream she was pregnant (which she wouldn't want to happen). In her dream, she knew that the baby was actually mine. Hope these dreams will come true...

Feeling P.

I feel like I'm pregnant. Tests are still negative. I hate that I'm feeling exactly like before. Breast are aching mildly, I'm feeling really bloated and I'm also having these sharp twinges in my lower tummy. It's probably nothing...gosh, how I wish it was.

When hope returns

We had our appointment to hear the result of all the tests done. Surprisingly, everything was fine. Apparently, conceiving naturally shouldn't be a problem. It probably is just PCOS, why I miscarried (and don't have regular cycle. I'm feeling quite optimistic at the moment. Just waiting for my next periods, so I can start Clomid (which should make me ovulate). Of course, there is a chance I might get pregnant before that...I wish...and I actually do wish.

What happens in the end?

I'm feeling really down. I cannot be happy for my friends who are pregnant and even thought they have miscarriage scare, their pregnancies goes ahead fine. In a way I'm really happy for them but my jealousy and sadness just turns it in to something nasty. Why does everyone else have babies and I don't?

My husband is rationalist. Maybe a little bit pessimist also. I was crying to him today how miserable I feel over this whole thing. I just wanted him to say "It'll be ok. We'll have a baby in the end". Instead he told me, how much he loves me and how we will have each other. We will get through anything together. Sweet but at the same time it made me angry. How could he not say that in the end of this hell of trying to conceive, we would not have baby?

At least he is not lying to me and giving me false hope. It could be, we will never have a baby. But then, everything will be ok. Actually everything is ok already. Better. Everything is good. I've got my awesome husband, who seems to know what to say whatever the situation is. That's why I love him. That's why we will get through anything together.

Red sea

Periods started. I'm kind of bummed. In a way it's nice that my cycle is getting bit more regular but then again, I'm not pregnant. It was really just pure luck that I got pregnant twice.

I'm dreading the appointment with fertility consultant in December. It's nice to know what's going on but then...what's going to happen after that. Trying to have a baby is so emotionally exhausting, that I don't think I can deal with it. I might need a holiday from it soon.

I just stop every now and again to think, how did I end up to this point. Why did I ever started to think that it would be nice to have a child with my husband. It would be so much easier, if I wouldn't want to have a baby. So much easier.

Bluebirds fly...I don't

I still am not able to listen "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" without tears in my eyes. Especially the Eva Cassidy version. I was listening this after my first miscarriage and it (probably always will) remind me of the two babies I've lost. I hope I will someday be over the rainbow where all the dreams come true. It seems that on this side they don't.

LIfe's cruel joke

I don't think I can take this very much longer. I'm puking up almost every day or at least feeling nauseous. The emotional agony is still noting to compared to the physical one. I want to have a child.

I keep on trying to stop myself when my mind slips to daydreaming of big pregnant belly and then having a beautiful child of my own. I cannot stop it. I might never be able to have that and it's slowly killing me inside. How the hell am I suppose to stay positive?

It was my birthday this week and my hubby took me out for a meal, theatre and drinks. When I was sitting in my favourite rock pub, bit tipsy and wearing " cool rock chick clothes" I was thinking, that my life isn't too bad at all. Nothing is really missing from it. I like going out drinking and wear slutty groupie clothes. Still I would give it all away (even if I don't have to give my style away in case the miracle would happen) for a child.

I'm just thinking how the heck did all of this happen. How did I suddenly end up coming a total psycho over this whole thing. Life is cruel, if nothing else.

Physical pains for a change

I've been having horrible pains on the right side of my lower stomach. It cannot be appendix as I've had appendectomy. It's not constant pain put really sharp pain that comes and goes. I don't know whether it's just really bad ovulation pain. I had it with the last ovulation led to conception.

I've given up with the ovulation tests. As my cycle is all over the place, it would mean I have to do the test more or less every day. I just keep on hassling my hubby few times a week. So far, he hasn't mind.

I'm feeling sick almost every day. Puking up in the morning, after few hours I've woken up. Then the nausea also comes in the afternoon and evenings. This been going on for 5 days. Pregnancy tests are so far negative. I ordered 25 high sensitive tests from ebay. I'm going mad and am obsessed. Not healthy. Then again I need to know straight away when I'm pregnant the next time...if there ever will be next time. Have to go to blood tests and do everything possible to keep the little bean growing well for 9 months.

All this sickness and pains. It feels I'm going it through for nothing.

Too much to carry

I'm feeling so unbelievable down. I just cannot seem to stop crying. I cannot even pin point, why I'm feeling so miserable. Should I blame the hormones, even if I don't probably have enough of them in my body to cause all this emotional mayhem?

I know for sure that one of the reason are waiting for the test results. Just thinking the worse. I already trying to think how I'll cope and carry on with my life after hearing we probably won't have a baby. Of course, the results could be good, but hey...it's my life. Of course they are going to be bad news. Always is, have been and will be.

I feel I'm such a failure and no good. On any aspect of my life. Too much has been given to me to carry and I don't think I can go on any more. This bloody sucks.

Is it just because of October

I'm feeling really, really down. I don't know whether is just because of October, which I always find bit depressing (probably because I'm getting old again end of the month) or are all these medication playing up with my hormones.

Periods seemed the longest ones I've ever had. Still going on. I've checked my blood results (advantage of working in the same place where bloods are taken) and everything seems normal so far. In a way big relief but then again just makes me wonder, what the heck is going on?

I'm not preparing myself at all to be pregnant again (if I ever do get pregnant again). I'm preparing myself to go through a third miscarriage. I'm already thinking whether I should have a D&C again or just have it come out naturally. It just horrible that I will never be able a pregnancy. I will never be happily pregnant, just waiting it to end before it's time.

I'm starting to feel that becoming a mum is not for me. Despite of how much I want it, it's not going to happen. And seeing all the white trash, living on my tax money, disgusting thick folk having unwanted & one-night stand accidents, just makes my blood boil! It's so so bloody unfair world that it makes me sick.

I'm wondering, whether positive thinking will have any effect of becoming pregnant and carrying a baby full term?

Hurray for misery

Hurray. Periods are finally here. Had bloods done yesterday for all sorts of hormone levels. I've also been feeling really hormonal. Had a good cry yesterday. Just felt so sad thinking that I might not ever be able to give a child to my husband. Obviously, it means that I can never have a child but I just feel bad to my hubby. Most likely, he would have a kid in a minute if he'd be with someone else.

I know he loves me with all of his heart and he will never leave me, definitely not for this. The thought just creeps in to my mind every now and again. Like, suffering miscarriages etc. isn't enough. I need to have scary thoughts messing up my mind. Nice.

Just waiting and waiting

Periods have still not started. Been feeling that I might soon get them, but still nothing. Annoyed. I've had a course of progesterone and was even told in the scan I should get them in 10 days. It's been...well 12 so far. am I impatient? I hate waiting.

With Tears

I had to have a big cry last night. Just feeling so helpless and sad. Same continues this morning. I've finished a course of Provera (progesterone) for me to have periods so my own hormone levels can be checked. Maybe I'm just really hormonal, hence the crying.

I also talked with my husband last night how I'm physically feeling crap all the time due to the medications not to mention 2 pregnancies (which led to miscarriages. Had bad sickness with the first one). We agreed we are going to go with the treatment etc. until my birthday next year (end of October) and see whether we are going to have a little break from all of this. I'm not sure how many more miscarriages I'm able to go through or feeling rubbish constantly.

It just makes you wonder, how much more is one meant to go through...

Appetite for nothing

I've lost my appetite, most likely due to Metformin. Thought of hot food just don't appeal to me at all. I find myself going through a day eating only few slices of bread and that's it.

I was put on Metformin last November for the first time. Due to that I managed to loose (not intentionally really) 15 kg within 4 months. My secret: I couldn't eat.

I've also been sick. This was after I managed to force myself to eat fried chicken, which I absolutely love. I'm having terrible pains in the side of my lower stomach. Still no periods.

Damned Facebook, as old school mates are posting news of happy occasions: "Just had a baby" " Having another baby" and so on. Of course I could NOT use it. Those are the moments, when I feel sadness slowly creeping inside me. And I'm just thinking, that I will never experience that kind of happiness: having my own child for the first time in my arms. It's killing me.

I don't get this downs that often any more, but when it hits... it's hard to shake off.

For investigations and treatments

I went to see a fertility consultant last Thursday. Usually they don't see you unless you've had 3 miscarriages,but as we've been trying to have a baby for few years and because of my PCOS I (we) were referred by my doctor.

They said, as I've managed to get pregnant twice, the most likely reason for miscarriages is PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) as 50% pregnancies leads to miscarriage (compared 15% of those without PCOS). HALF OF A CHANCE TO HAVE A FULL TERM PREGNANCY! That sucks! Also other reason could be too thick blood.

So, I was put on several pills, which I'm not particularly happy about. 4 tablets every morning and one at night. Have to do it though. I'm not really complaining.
I'm taking Aspirin, Folic Acid (high dose one) and Metformin (diabetes medication helps with PCOS and regulates cycles + course of progesterone to induce periods, so my own progesterone levels can be tested. The low progesterone levels most likely are causing the miscarriages as they can be low in PCOS. If my cycles don't regulate I'll be put on Clomid, which has a chance to have multiple pregnancies. I really don't mind having twins. Just as long as I have at least one kid.

I already had loads of bloods taken last Thursday and my hubby has also had his bloods taken (I brought the forms home and took his bloods. That was weird but at least he didn't have to go to the clinic for it). He also has to produce seamen specimen (*grin*). We then have got an appointment together in December to hear the result.

If we manage to get pregnant before that, I need to inform the clinic straight away for them to check my bloods. If it shows that my hormone levels aren't rising the way they should, I'm going to have more progesterone and all of this hopefully will enable me to carry a baby full term and us to become a parents.

Having a kid has become a project...not a way I ever wanted it to be. Sometimes I'm asking myself whether I want a child this much and the answer is yes.

What does it take

Firstly, if you look at my other blog, you might frown and think:" Good that she is not having a kid. She doesn't look like very responsible person with all the rock thing going on". Well, you are wrong. My taste in music and style has nothing to do with my ability to b a good mum and responsible parent. Even from work point of view, I'm responsible for human lives, so that about my ability.

Then a little bit of background:
The last year has been nothing but heartache. After trying and not succeeding to get pregnant, I was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries last November. I always knew something was wrong: my periods didn't start until I was 15 and 90 days cycle wasn't anything to brag about. Despite of knowing, everything was not right, it was a bit of a shock when I was diagnosed. My own doctor was extremely vague how PCOS would affect my ability to have children.

I managed eventually get Metfomin from my doctor, try to regulate my periods (ovulation actually). For my (and my husband's) surprise, after 3 days of funny stomach ache, I did a positive pregnancy test in April. We were over the moon. Due to irregular cycle I couldn't really say how many weeks I was, but calculating when we had last...well tried to have a baby, I was 5 weeks. Dr's wanted a scan straight away to confirm the due date.

According to my calculation, I was between 6-7 weeks on the first scan. The scan didn't show anything apart from the sack. New appointment was made for weeks time. We were heart broken. In the next scan I saw a little bean and a flickering fetal pole (which, would be heart and I was told I was 6 weeks. According to my calculation I was 7 weeks. Sigh of relief that baby seemed ok in the scan. Then again I had my doubts as the weeks didn't match.

At 10 weeks I started to have discharge and went for an ultrasound. Extremely bad news: heart beat was nowhere to be found and the baby hadn't grown since week 7. I had d&c the next day (I'll be writing more about emotional coping).

We were told to wait one cycle before trying again, but we are rebels. Just 6 weeks after first miscarriage, I was pregnant again. Surely, this one would be fine. At 6 weeks I started to have discharge. Went for a scan, it was fine. Discharge got heavier and 7 week scan the baby had died. Another d&c and being emotional wreck.

So this is the situation at the moment. I've been to a first appointment to fertility specialist as I've been trying a baby for 2 years, have dodgy ovaries and have lost two babies...
And how was your year?