Physical pains for a change

I've been having horrible pains on the right side of my lower stomach. It cannot be appendix as I've had appendectomy. It's not constant pain put really sharp pain that comes and goes. I don't know whether it's just really bad ovulation pain. I had it with the last ovulation led to conception.

I've given up with the ovulation tests. As my cycle is all over the place, it would mean I have to do the test more or less every day. I just keep on hassling my hubby few times a week. So far, he hasn't mind.

I'm feeling sick almost every day. Puking up in the morning, after few hours I've woken up. Then the nausea also comes in the afternoon and evenings. This been going on for 5 days. Pregnancy tests are so far negative. I ordered 25 high sensitive tests from ebay. I'm going mad and am obsessed. Not healthy. Then again I need to know straight away when I'm pregnant the next time...if there ever will be next time. Have to go to blood tests and do everything possible to keep the little bean growing well for 9 months.

All this sickness and pains. It feels I'm going it through for nothing.

Too much to carry

I'm feeling so unbelievable down. I just cannot seem to stop crying. I cannot even pin point, why I'm feeling so miserable. Should I blame the hormones, even if I don't probably have enough of them in my body to cause all this emotional mayhem?

I know for sure that one of the reason are waiting for the test results. Just thinking the worse. I already trying to think how I'll cope and carry on with my life after hearing we probably won't have a baby. Of course, the results could be good, but hey...it's my life. Of course they are going to be bad news. Always is, have been and will be.

I feel I'm such a failure and no good. On any aspect of my life. Too much has been given to me to carry and I don't think I can go on any more. This bloody sucks.

Is it just because of October

I'm feeling really, really down. I don't know whether is just because of October, which I always find bit depressing (probably because I'm getting old again end of the month) or are all these medication playing up with my hormones.

Periods seemed the longest ones I've ever had. Still going on. I've checked my blood results (advantage of working in the same place where bloods are taken) and everything seems normal so far. In a way big relief but then again just makes me wonder, what the heck is going on?

I'm not preparing myself at all to be pregnant again (if I ever do get pregnant again). I'm preparing myself to go through a third miscarriage. I'm already thinking whether I should have a D&C again or just have it come out naturally. It just horrible that I will never be able a pregnancy. I will never be happily pregnant, just waiting it to end before it's time.

I'm starting to feel that becoming a mum is not for me. Despite of how much I want it, it's not going to happen. And seeing all the white trash, living on my tax money, disgusting thick folk having unwanted & one-night stand accidents, just makes my blood boil! It's so so bloody unfair world that it makes me sick.

I'm wondering, whether positive thinking will have any effect of becoming pregnant and carrying a baby full term?

Hurray for misery

Hurray. Periods are finally here. Had bloods done yesterday for all sorts of hormone levels. I've also been feeling really hormonal. Had a good cry yesterday. Just felt so sad thinking that I might not ever be able to give a child to my husband. Obviously, it means that I can never have a child but I just feel bad to my hubby. Most likely, he would have a kid in a minute if he'd be with someone else.

I know he loves me with all of his heart and he will never leave me, definitely not for this. The thought just creeps in to my mind every now and again. Like, suffering miscarriages etc. isn't enough. I need to have scary thoughts messing up my mind. Nice.