Just waiting and waiting

Periods have still not started. Been feeling that I might soon get them, but still nothing. Annoyed. I've had a course of progesterone and was even told in the scan I should get them in 10 days. It's been...well 12 so far. am I impatient? I hate waiting.

With Tears

I had to have a big cry last night. Just feeling so helpless and sad. Same continues this morning. I've finished a course of Provera (progesterone) for me to have periods so my own hormone levels can be checked. Maybe I'm just really hormonal, hence the crying.

I also talked with my husband last night how I'm physically feeling crap all the time due to the medications not to mention 2 pregnancies (which led to miscarriages. Had bad sickness with the first one). We agreed we are going to go with the treatment etc. until my birthday next year (end of October) and see whether we are going to have a little break from all of this. I'm not sure how many more miscarriages I'm able to go through or feeling rubbish constantly.

It just makes you wonder, how much more is one meant to go through...

Appetite for nothing

I've lost my appetite, most likely due to Metformin. Thought of hot food just don't appeal to me at all. I find myself going through a day eating only few slices of bread and that's it.

I was put on Metformin last November for the first time. Due to that I managed to loose (not intentionally really) 15 kg within 4 months. My secret: I couldn't eat.

I've also been sick. This was after I managed to force myself to eat fried chicken, which I absolutely love. I'm having terrible pains in the side of my lower stomach. Still no periods.

Damned Facebook, as old school mates are posting news of happy occasions: "Just had a baby" " Having another baby" and so on. Of course I could NOT use it. Those are the moments, when I feel sadness slowly creeping inside me. And I'm just thinking, that I will never experience that kind of happiness: having my own child for the first time in my arms. It's killing me.

I don't get this downs that often any more, but when it hits... it's hard to shake off.

For investigations and treatments

I went to see a fertility consultant last Thursday. Usually they don't see you unless you've had 3 miscarriages,but as we've been trying to have a baby for few years and because of my PCOS I (we) were referred by my doctor.

They said, as I've managed to get pregnant twice, the most likely reason for miscarriages is PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) as 50% pregnancies leads to miscarriage (compared 15% of those without PCOS). HALF OF A CHANCE TO HAVE A FULL TERM PREGNANCY! That sucks! Also other reason could be too thick blood.

So, I was put on several pills, which I'm not particularly happy about. 4 tablets every morning and one at night. Have to do it though. I'm not really complaining.
I'm taking Aspirin, Folic Acid (high dose one) and Metformin (diabetes medication helps with PCOS and regulates cycles + course of progesterone to induce periods, so my own progesterone levels can be tested. The low progesterone levels most likely are causing the miscarriages as they can be low in PCOS. If my cycles don't regulate I'll be put on Clomid, which has a chance to have multiple pregnancies. I really don't mind having twins. Just as long as I have at least one kid.

I already had loads of bloods taken last Thursday and my hubby has also had his bloods taken (I brought the forms home and took his bloods. That was weird but at least he didn't have to go to the clinic for it). He also has to produce seamen specimen (*grin*). We then have got an appointment together in December to hear the result.

If we manage to get pregnant before that, I need to inform the clinic straight away for them to check my bloods. If it shows that my hormone levels aren't rising the way they should, I'm going to have more progesterone and all of this hopefully will enable me to carry a baby full term and us to become a parents.

Having a kid has become a project...not a way I ever wanted it to be. Sometimes I'm asking myself whether I want a child this much and the answer is yes.

What does it take

Firstly, if you look at my other blog, you might frown and think:" Good that she is not having a kid. She doesn't look like very responsible person with all the rock thing going on". Well, you are wrong. My taste in music and style has nothing to do with my ability to b a good mum and responsible parent. Even from work point of view, I'm responsible for human lives, so that about my ability.

Then a little bit of background:
The last year has been nothing but heartache. After trying and not succeeding to get pregnant, I was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries last November. I always knew something was wrong: my periods didn't start until I was 15 and 90 days cycle wasn't anything to brag about. Despite of knowing, everything was not right, it was a bit of a shock when I was diagnosed. My own doctor was extremely vague how PCOS would affect my ability to have children.

I managed eventually get Metfomin from my doctor, try to regulate my periods (ovulation actually). For my (and my husband's) surprise, after 3 days of funny stomach ache, I did a positive pregnancy test in April. We were over the moon. Due to irregular cycle I couldn't really say how many weeks I was, but calculating when we had last...well tried to have a baby, I was 5 weeks. Dr's wanted a scan straight away to confirm the due date.

According to my calculation, I was between 6-7 weeks on the first scan. The scan didn't show anything apart from the sack. New appointment was made for weeks time. We were heart broken. In the next scan I saw a little bean and a flickering fetal pole (which, would be heart and I was told I was 6 weeks. According to my calculation I was 7 weeks. Sigh of relief that baby seemed ok in the scan. Then again I had my doubts as the weeks didn't match.

At 10 weeks I started to have discharge and went for an ultrasound. Extremely bad news: heart beat was nowhere to be found and the baby hadn't grown since week 7. I had d&c the next day (I'll be writing more about emotional coping).

We were told to wait one cycle before trying again, but we are rebels. Just 6 weeks after first miscarriage, I was pregnant again. Surely, this one would be fine. At 6 weeks I started to have discharge. Went for a scan, it was fine. Discharge got heavier and 7 week scan the baby had died. Another d&c and being emotional wreck.

So this is the situation at the moment. I've been to a first appointment to fertility specialist as I've been trying a baby for 2 years, have dodgy ovaries and have lost two babies...
And how was your year?