What happens in the end?

I'm feeling really down. I cannot be happy for my friends who are pregnant and even thought they have miscarriage scare, their pregnancies goes ahead fine. In a way I'm really happy for them but my jealousy and sadness just turns it in to something nasty. Why does everyone else have babies and I don't?

My husband is rationalist. Maybe a little bit pessimist also. I was crying to him today how miserable I feel over this whole thing. I just wanted him to say "It'll be ok. We'll have a baby in the end". Instead he told me, how much he loves me and how we will have each other. We will get through anything together. Sweet but at the same time it made me angry. How could he not say that in the end of this hell of trying to conceive, we would not have baby?

At least he is not lying to me and giving me false hope. It could be, we will never have a baby. But then, everything will be ok. Actually everything is ok already. Better. Everything is good. I've got my awesome husband, who seems to know what to say whatever the situation is. That's why I love him. That's why we will get through anything together.

Red sea

Periods started. I'm kind of bummed. In a way it's nice that my cycle is getting bit more regular but then again, I'm not pregnant. It was really just pure luck that I got pregnant twice.

I'm dreading the appointment with fertility consultant in December. It's nice to know what's going on but then...what's going to happen after that. Trying to have a baby is so emotionally exhausting, that I don't think I can deal with it. I might need a holiday from it soon.

I just stop every now and again to think, how did I end up to this point. Why did I ever started to think that it would be nice to have a child with my husband. It would be so much easier, if I wouldn't want to have a baby. So much easier.

Bluebirds fly...I don't

I still am not able to listen "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" without tears in my eyes. Especially the Eva Cassidy version. I was listening this after my first miscarriage and it (probably always will) remind me of the two babies I've lost. I hope I will someday be over the rainbow where all the dreams come true. It seems that on this side they don't.

LIfe's cruel joke

I don't think I can take this very much longer. I'm puking up almost every day or at least feeling nauseous. The emotional agony is still noting to compared to the physical one. I want to have a child.

I keep on trying to stop myself when my mind slips to daydreaming of big pregnant belly and then having a beautiful child of my own. I cannot stop it. I might never be able to have that and it's slowly killing me inside. How the hell am I suppose to stay positive?

It was my birthday this week and my hubby took me out for a meal, theatre and drinks. When I was sitting in my favourite rock pub, bit tipsy and wearing " cool rock chick clothes" I was thinking, that my life isn't too bad at all. Nothing is really missing from it. I like going out drinking and wear slutty groupie clothes. Still I would give it all away (even if I don't have to give my style away in case the miracle would happen) for a child.

I'm just thinking how the heck did all of this happen. How did I suddenly end up coming a total psycho over this whole thing. Life is cruel, if nothing else.